


Not Time For Goodbyes

by FanFicAddict7



Series: The Prank [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depression, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marauders' Era, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, The Prank
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 04:42:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13380402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanFicAddict7/pseuds/FanFicAddict7
Summary: Remus isn't ready to forgive Sirius for trying to turn him into a murderer. At least until he finds a letter on his bed. A letter that changes everything





	Not Time For Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ohmygodnighttroll](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohmygodnighttroll/gifts).



> Trigger Warning:  
> There is an /attempted/ suicide in this story, so if you aren't able to read this, then please don't.

Remus wasn't ready to forgive Sirius yet. Didn’t know if he’d ever be. This was beyond the normal Sirius outburst. Remus still didn’t understand what pushed Sirius so far as to make Remus a murderer. Maybe he really did see Remus as a monster.

 

That was probably the worst part of all this. It confirmed what he feared most. So he pushed Sirius away. Pushed James and Peter away too, if he was being honest. Pretended not to notice the sad look in Sirius’s eyes, the way James and Peter gave him the cold shoulder, the way the rest of Gryffindor seemed to pick up on it. It was easier to keep his head down, go about his life the way he did first year.

 

Eventually, he stopped looking at Sirius. It was too painful anyway. It worked for a while, this “fake it till you make it” mentality. But one afternoon, after returning to his dorm from the hospital wing, there was a piece of folded parchment on his bed, not something he’d left there.

 

Picking it up and opening it, he recognized the handwriting. Reading it despite the skip of his heart and drop of his stomach, he tensed up with anticipation.

 

_Dear ~~Moony~~ Remus, _

_I suppose I’ve lost the right to call you Moony. I don’t know how we got here. I mean, I do, I messed up. Royally. But how did it get this far? And what does one say in a situation like this? I don’t feel like there are enough words in enough languages to express how sorry I am. Je suis désolé. Lo siento. Es tut mir Leid. Paenitet. I’m sorry._

 

_I made the mistake of thinking I was different from them. I thought I could make myself different. Make myself fit in. I never had a family like this. And I thought maybe if I pretended I did, I’d be better, that you could see I was better._

 

_My father didn’t exactly provide an example of how to be a decent man. My mother had other concerns than being an affection mum._

 

_I’m not saying that excuses anything. Nothing can make what I did okay. I understand that better than I want to._

 

_There’s nothing to say about it that I haven’t thought before. You represented everything in life I wish I had. And I wanted all of it, even if I didn’t deserve it. I wish I deserved it. We all wish we deserved this._

 

_I was wrong though. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t have it. I just pretended I had what I wanted to hide my own shortcomings. But I thought it was working. We were all friends. And you and I? We had something more. But I guess it isn’t true anymore. And to ignore that is to lie to myself._

 

_But I thought if I ignored it, then maybe I could pretend those thoughts, those feelings weren’t there. I pretended to be a good person, but if I was truly the man I wanted you to think I was, I wouldn’t be writing this letter. But even as I write this letter, I know you’ll only see it too late because no one needs to see what a fuck up I really am._

 

_I put my mask up, smile before the tears fall, laugh before the anger strikes out, joke before I reveal what’s really in my mind. All the things I can’t share because then you would see how messed up, how damaged I am._

 

_Who wants to see that? That’s not someone worthy of love, not someone worthy of you, Remus. How could you love my broken pieces? How could I add that to your weighted shoulders?_

 

_So I hid it, until I lashed out and made a mess of all of this. I know I can fix things, but writing this letter has made me realize I need to fix who I am. I need to learn to be a better man if I’m to ever earn your love again. I hope I can earn your love again. I’m sorry._

 

_Hopefully Yours,_

_Sirius Orion Black_

 

And at the bottom of the letter, there was a hastily added footnote.

 

_Goodbye, Moony_

 

Dread and panic settled across the teen as he realized what this letter really meant. Allowing the parchment float from his shaking hands to the cold floor beneath him, Remus Lupin ran faster than he ever had in his life. He used his long legs to take stairs three at a time, climbing to where he thought he’d find Sirius.

 

He stopped short in the entrance of the Astronomy Tower as his worst fears were confirmed. He stared at the back of shoulders shuddering with violent sobs. Scuffed converse teetered on the edge of a stone lip and a curtain of black hair covered the face of Sirius Black.

 

“Padfoot!” Remus’ voice echoed around the stone room, fracturing the silence like a hammer to a mirror. Sirius didn’t turn around, but his body visibly tensed.

 

“Padfoot, what are you doing?” Remus ventured a few steps forward, going slow so he didn’t make Sirius feel cornered, a dangerous thing in that moment particularly.

 

“You a favor,” was barely audible from the archway.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I’m not worth it. I don’t deserve James or Peter. I don’t deserve Hogwarts. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve breathe. And I can’t go back home either. If I go back home, it’ll kill me slower. This is what’s best for everyone. For you.” Sirius still refused to meet Remus’ gaze but had at least stopped moving.

 

“You can’t actually believe that. You don’t deserve this, even if you did mess up. And this isn’t what I want.” A few more steps forward.

 

“Then I don’t know, Remus. I can’t live with knowing I’ve hurt you. Knowing it’s my fault you no longer love me. I’ve become no better than my family name.” Sobs grew harder.

 

“But I do love you, Padfoot. I never stopped. I was just angry and scared. Scared you saw me as a monster after all. But I didn’t stop loving you. You are better than them. The fact that you feel bad for your mistakes is proof. Now, please, love. Step down. For me.” Grey eyes finally meet hazel ones.

 

“You still love me?” Barely a whisper, words cracking.

 

“For the rest of my life.” Arms opened for an embrace.

 

Converse beating against the stone floor. Bodies colliding. Arms clad in leather wrapping around a wool-covered waist. Tears staining the same green wool. Sobs filling the heavy silence.

 

“You aren’t a monster. Voldemort, Snape, maybe me, but never you. You’re the most beautiful soul I know. Never a monster.” Sobs turn the spoken thoughts incoherent.

 

“You aren’t a monster, either, Sirius Black. A hot head, an impulsive asshole, but not a monster.”

 

Both boys began crying even harder, though that seemed impossible at some point.

 

Once tears ran dry and eyes grew heavy with exhaustion, the boys returned to their dorm, hand in hand, only to collapse into Remus’ bed. Both fell asleep before they could notice the confused looks from their roommates. Things took some work to get better, but Remus didn’t have to say goodbye to Sirius, at least not yet.

  
  
  
  



End file.
